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Every family is a chrysalis of specific culture that we emerge from, soft and wrinkle-winged. The culture of mine is and was quite nonmaterialistic. I’m glad for this. My family did presents, simple ones. My sister and I made our parents homemade gifts often — coasters, bookmarks, a framed pencil portrait of our mother. The (presents-eschewing, altruism-heavy) wartime Christmas scene in L.M. Alcott’s Little Women was held up as a certain kind of platonic ideal as a child. For most of my life, the giving of gifts as a form of love and regard was not deeply prized. And my teen self, put off both by orgiastic American consumerism and the sense that at least occasion-based gifting was most often obligatory, expensive, and deeply unpunk, chose to opt out when possible.
Over the course of my twenties, I slowly reconsidered, reconfigured. Key to this was having some exemplary, eloquent gift-givers in my life. Alexandra rescued my seventeenth birthday via USPS parcel. Iva gave me a perfume that become one of my favorites of all time. Noah, year after year, sends over something quietly luxurious that becomes an integral part of my home or closet. Phil is a wildly perceptive, softly poetic giver of gifts that feel like they anticipate a need I would never have thought to fulfill myself.
Phil’s first present to me, years ago, was a jasmine candle and a karivepila sapling, because I had said once, offhand, that I always quietly missed the flora of the places I’d left behind. Multiple years and cities later, the karivepila is now a tall and frothy bush, its sprigs used frequently in food I cook, its fragrance something I still pull close in moments of longing for home.
All of this, I suppose, has influenced the kinds of gifting I value: tender, only rarely extravagant, as far as possible unobligated, oriented towards comfort or beauty or encouragement, and most of all, attentive. Good gift-giving is, more often than not, predicated on good listening. Done well, it’s a form of anticipatory care that sweetens and deepens relationships.
Below is a little gift guide that may help inspire you as you look for final holiday presents, heaviest on book and perfume recommendations. Asterisked items* are great for procrastinators, in that they’re still relatively easy to acquire before the holidays set in. Lastly, I hope you can buy you and yours some books! truly one of the best genres of gifts! ideally from your local indie or Bookshop.org!
“Bookstores operate on razor-thin margins; the holiday season often determines whether they will turn a profit for the year or not and in some cases whether they will even still be in business in the new year.”
- Paul McCombs, writer and bookseller
NOW ENTERING thot pudding winter gift guide 2023
For those looking to get around shipping times by shopping in person, NYC brick and mortar recs: Babka and sundry other deliciousness from Greens. Maya Congee Cafe has a bunch of Omsom sets and chili crisps; I’m also a big fan of their Homiah laksa spice package. My local indie The Word Is Change has a really wonderful selection of books and also some cool political posters. Get you or yours a bunch of dried lavender from Life Wellness. For a bottle of something good, head to Bed-Vyne or Wine-O in Brooklyn or Astor Wine and Spirits in Manhattan and ask the staff to help you find something off the beaten path.
For someone looking to have an off-the-beaten path theater experience in NYC*: tickets to Company XIV’s thrilling queer burlesque performances
For the older relative who you wish to get to know better*: Storyworth
For someone who cares about their home smelling really, really good: Omani frankincense, with charcoal discs and a little incense holder.
For someone you want to spoil a little: my friend Morgan Levine makes these beautiful one-of-a-kind ceramics in Brooklyn
For the thoughtful leftist in your life*: subscriptions to Dissent or The Drift
For someone who wants good makeup*: Tanais liquid kajal in black and also in Bengal green. The lip oil and the perfume oils also…clutch. They’re running a big sale, and shipping a bunch of stuff before the holidays in the next couple of days.
For the aspiring writer in your life: a Scrivener subscription, a writing CoLab class of their choice, one of The Paris Review Writers At Work anthologies, a note saying you believe in them and can’t wait to read their work. oh and PREORDER THIS BOOK, JAMI ATTENBERG’S incredible 1000 WORDS, FOR THEM…it ships Jan 9.
For the sci-fi lover or enjoyer of a novelty t-shirt: this limited edition Paris Review Samuel Delaney joint
Random things I personally have been dreaming of: good woolen socks, fun barrettes, a gift certificate to Bathhouse*. On my to-read list: The Origin of Capitalism and Doppelganger. A replenishment of wa-rousouku candles, which are lovely generally, and what I use when starting new fiction, writing against the burndown.
For literally anybody: Egyptian Magic salve and Nuxe Huile Prodigieuse, a delightful dry oil.
For literally anybody*: some quality dinnerware or barware from Fable, which is doing free expedited shipping until 12/16
OKAY NOW IT’S TIME FOR A FEW BOOK RECS aka what this guide grew out of in the first place. Here are some books I’m especially fond of:
For someone looking for a really gorgeous book of short stories: Witness by Jamel Brinkley.
For someone looking for a really gorgeous novel (or a great NY-set novel): Netherland by Joseph O’Neill.
For the reader of great political nonfiction, more on the theory side: In Pursuit of Revolutionary Love by Joy James. The Utopia of Rules by David Graeber. Political Disappointment by Sara Marcus.
For literary mystery lovers: Basic Black with Pearls by Helen Weinzweig
For the thoughtful person thinking about the nature of romantic love, courtship, selfhood, and marriage: Mating by Norman Rush, Mortals by Norman Rush, and People Collide by Isle McElroy
For the lover of speculative fiction, incredible food writing, and or person who is wondering what to do when the world ends: Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang
For literally anybody and especially the romantics: Couplets by Maggie Millner.
For an absolutely brilliant, erudite novel about America: Homeland Elegies by Ayad Akhtar
For someone feeling grief about war and in search of beauty: A Passage North by Anuk Arudpragasam
For gorgeous nonfic writing about science and creatures and queerness and becoming: How Far The Light Reaches by Sabrina Imbler
For the cool, zany, and/or deeply feeling gay or Gen-Z sapphic in your life: Dykette by Jenny Fran Davis
For one of the most moving and innovative engagements with trauma, healing, and reckoning that I’ve come across, the fiercely beautiful The Lookback Window by Kyle Dillon Hertz
For literally anyone, but especially people who came of age in the 9/11 years, your trans friends, your queer friends, and those of musical theater lived experience: Idlewild by James Frankie Thomas
For your dearest friends: Homie by Danez Smith
And I would be remiss if I did not tell you that Bookshop is running a small sale on the paperback of All This Could Be Different
ONTO OTHER THINGS…for someone trying to keep their nails pretty but low-effort: Chillhouse press-on nails
For literally anybody: this lush Palestinian olive oil
For literally anybody*: these Bombas slippers, order by 12/17 for holiday gifts
For literally anybody*: compression socks, order by 12/17 for holiday gifts
For literally anybody: an actually good chaiya mix
Make it yourself*: a jar of candied jalapeños, truly improves all food when added
OKAY, IN CLOSING, IT’S TIME FOR A FEW PERFUME RECS. Most, but not all, available as samples if you want to test them on your skin.
Gin-redolent, salty, hyacinth-floral, mossy: get your cool-femme gf/jf/wife niche Toronto perfume house Universal Flowering’s Local Woman
Also from Universal Flowering: I know I personally would swoon if gifted Daddy: the sample I tried was pepper and hinoki and petrol and wet skin and a lightly cardamom note…for the daddy in yr life! Or yourself! Be yr own daddy
For the sexy weird person in your life, or anyone very into marine life and niche fragrance alike: Squid by Zoologist
I like a lot of the scents at Korean brand Elorea, especially the perilla-leaf-redolent Gentle Shower and their sample sets in general. Order online in the next day or so for holiday-timed shipping, or if you live in NYC, go to their SoHo store
If you or yours like a sensuous floral, Buly’s Tubereuse de Mexique is a really romantic gift imo, you can get your person’s name written on it in calligraphy, the packaging is luxe, it is from a legendary Parisian beauty shop. It ships from France and not speedily…might be a sweet Valentine’s day move, lads.
Kilian’s Moonlight Heaven In A Bottle for a special someone/special occasion/both
For the dedicated frag-head in your life: A book like Perfume Le Guide by Luca Turin or In Sensorium by Tanais, and this sample set. If you live in NYC, you can go to Elorea and do a perfume and chocolate taste test / pairing, it’s very cute.
I am gatekeeping my actual specific favorite fragrance / fragrance house in the world for now, but I broadly love a fougère, and this is a good one.
See you in the new year, babies.
xoxo STM
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Such a great list! Thank you.
This was the best gift guide I’ve read all season :0 I had no idea what to get my partner this year and I just bought a scrub/day pass for us to a bathhouse. Experiential, procrastinator friendly (!), relaxing??? Thank you!!!!